As it stands today, the 25th of yet another month that has passed and swiftly passed at that.. I decided to write a blog to tell you exactly how I feel and what I’ve learned in the last 45 days of life… My life evolves so swiftly that I can barely keep up most days. I write this blog somewhat filled with anxiety as I listen to the A-List R&B tracks on my sofa with a blanket wrapped on my feet. Meanwhile, my toddler is banging on the bay window with what appears to be a cup in his diaper that needs to be changed now that I look at. Luckily, the window is double pane so I only have to worry about cleaning the countless juice spots. At the same time, my almost 9 year old is playing her tablet with the Disney channel on and my 14 year old is starring in space in between watching my little toddler and the Disney channel too. Hold… (1 min has passed) I had to change my kid’s pamper. My husband is likely sleeping on the sofa as he hadn’t felt his best today and I had a full 8hr work day. I now have three book projects to complete and another to merge as I ghostwrite and dictate.
Anyhow, in 45 days, I have changed occupations, and lost 3 aunts. I’ve been on a plane 4x and away from my home traveling at least 15 days out 45. I am really just settling and getting caught up and I am not sure if I am really caught up, hence, the high levels of anxiety I feel. I’ve considered whether taking anxiety pills are best or drinking at least two glasses of wine is best. I've decided on neither as it stands. In essence, life has thrown me some incredible curve balls. To indulge and allow myself to grieve I’ve done things I wouldn’t normally do. Like, sign up for an improve comedy show. I mean, you only live once right. In all honesty, I liked it and I actually signed up again for another slot next month. Crazy right.. I’ve cried more or less when I needed to but not nearly as much as I’ve wanted to. In these high pressure moments it’s easy to go go go and go some more.. However, I opted to do something different this time.. You may not think it, but I’ve actually paused and stopped much of my life. I let go of things that I simply didn’t have the mental capacity for. There were aspects of my job, projects, and personal life I just had to release.
Out of all that - I realized and accepted death.. what did I accept? What I already knew I think.. as of right now I understand that it’s the inevitable and regardless of what you desire - you will go too! Be ready.. Have your affairs in order because it can make an impossible situation better.. You know something else I realized? Old people (whom I love) but Older folks 75+, heck maybe 65+ had the driest eyes at every funeral.. I couldn’t figure out why.. so I asked.. it’s because they don’t harbor anything (at least my family doesn’t) any day above ground is a good day and they relate life to 3 things. Work hard, Love God, and Love your family.. Everything else in between that comes and goes. However, out of that love for those items it makes everything else irrelevant. I came to the understanding that they enjoy life in every aspect. They don’t’ concern themselves with worry or doubts because they can be prevented. Those preventions come from being honest about who they are, what they love, the season they’re in and ultimately the acceptance of those things.
I have begun to recognize my life and out of that I've asked myself certain questions. I started with questions that ultimately add unnecessary pressure to myself. Like, what are the things I stress about - will they be relevant In 3 months, 6 months, or even a year? Honestly, will it matter 30 days from now? Likely, not. So why worry? Worrying comes with fear and is associated with the unknown which is supposed to be an enjoyable yet uncomfortable experience. I learned that patience comes by trusting the process - you can’t be patient and trust that things will work out for your best interest if you refuse the development that comes with it. I also, learned that life no matter what you give it only gives you a certain percentage back. It doesn’t have a sense of loyalty like we as people do. In fact, it’s about 10% of actual responses and 90% thoughts, mindset and positioning yourself with those 10% of actual responses. Interesting, right? It's more so about staying connected to your belief system and allowing that system to work for you not against you. I discovered, (which I already knew) that material goods mean less and less as you grow older, but even less when you’re gone. The things that we starve, crave, lust, etc. over to provide us with accolades mean nothing. the people we sometimes idolize, go out our way to please, the toxic relationships we entertain is just a faster way for us to die inside. Relationships and people showing up for you and talking about you - filling up your family with all the things you’ve never heard before, and people expressing the love to you and you expressing it back is where the heart is. Our biggest enemy is, Me, Myself, and I.. they aren't your friend..
Of everything, I’m still very quiet. I am still very much so in a room that is filled with boxes on one side and a blank room on the other. It’s divided in half and there I am. I am not crying or sad. I am just looking around. I am listening to all the old school music that makes me smile. Songs, like, Still in love by Al green, or What you won't do for love by Bobby Caldwell and I remain grateful, humbled, and in awe at the grace, mercy, and the unwavering faith that sits in side of me, while I am all over the place internally and physically. I am thankful for the love, support, and grace I’ve been shown. Most of all, I’ve been able to be me, in a way that I’ve never felt. I am in this new skin and it's me and Jesus. Although it may seem like the wilderness I am wrapped in this blanket with God and as uncomfortable as it is - he keeps telling me, you'll be okay.
So until next time, LOVE your people and give them flowers while they are here. Be wise in where you share you and your energy, and be grateful, humble, and open to all the things God has for you..